Not Now

Today was Collins' first Christmas program. He had been practicing his Christmas songs for weeks and we were all excited for his debut of "Jingle Bell Rock". David, Harrison and I, along with other family members, slid into wooden church pews and could hardly sit still we were so excited. Collins and his class began coming down the small hallway to the side of the stage and, with tears in my eyes, I waved at him and admired his scrunched up nose smile.  He was precious, so proud of himself. An older group of students were to perform before him while he and his tiny classmates waited in the hall for their time. When the song began we could see his pouty lip all the way down the hall. Then the tears came. We watched the teacher try to console him, but it was in vain. The song finished and it was time for his class to perform, but Collins was too upset to proceed and came straight to our seat.  It was actually humorous. After 27 tissues and snot and consoling, he agreed to go to the stage for the last song, which he cried through. Later, when I asked Collins about what happened he said, "My teacher told me 'No' and I want to sing." Apparently he thought when the music started he was missing his cue to sing his songs and was offended when his teacher would not let him through.  We've been giggling about the scene all day.

With a little quiet space this afternoon after the "performance" I couldn't help but see a lesson for me in what Collins had experienced.  So many times I've thought "this is my time" or "God's going to make this happen for me". Jobs I wanted, opportunities, many things that did not come the way I asked for the them. Just like Collins did at his school today, I've had times where I focused on the now and heard "No" from God, when he was really speaking "Not now". In a recent message I heard from Steven Furtick he said, "Sometimes I need to focus on the battle God wants to win in me more than the battle I want him to win for me." While that quote can sting at a time when I am standing with my hand out to God, it is truth. My prayer is God will continue to use everyday moments to chip away the parts of me that are unlike Him and mold me closer to His image.

Your Spirit soars in me
To the highest heights
From where I'll not look back, No
I'll keep trusting you
From the land of the barren
We will cry out for rain
Melt our hearts God
I'll keep trusting You
For I know you are faithful, my God
My heart aches for you, my God
My soul waits for you, my God
I've come far to find You here
In this place will I draw near
--lyrics by Kim Walker-Smith